The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
You Might Also Like
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Spell check is for lasers.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Going to church you guys need anything
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’M CRYINGGG
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u