5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
You Might Also Like
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Ironic
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*