7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?