People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
we’re gonna need another temp
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway