I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”