Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
WWE is French for “yes”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*Inspirational Tweets*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
drew a comic about my origin story
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are