7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Cheers Twitter.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Ha.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.