Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I love wikipedia
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
monday
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?