You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
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I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.