Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
You Might Also Like
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S