Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Whoa 😂
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing