I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.