Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
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friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Smile they said.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
my fav colour is also hitler
Fidel Castro was alive?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.