Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.