will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
🤣
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth