NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.