[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You Might Also Like
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
#FunnyLife Insects
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁