Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Thoughts
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder