When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
At least he brought enough for everyone
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.