[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.