This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I did not eat the cake…
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.