I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day