can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
called in thicc to work this morning
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again