Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED