Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?