Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I think I’m having a stroke
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”