Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.