I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Gods work.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first