Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
watergate? u mean a dam??
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.