Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
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[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Happy birthday to all the women
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
found this cool rock hiking today
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*