therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
i can’t wait that long
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
LMAO
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.