I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air πππππππππ
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[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I now know why theyβre called the wee hours of the night
me logging onto twitter
Just stood on my porch and screamed βSTOP IT!β at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back βKβ.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so weβre rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Writes βHe owed me $50β in funeral guest book.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
ME: I heard about your wife. Iβm so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, sheβs right here
ME: I know, and itβs true sheβs just awful
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, βhaha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?β
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My clothes arenβt wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.