Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
You Might Also Like
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
These are too funny not to post 😂
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Breaking news:
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.