Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Geez man, take it easy.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another