Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
tell em, edith-anne
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Just why bro?!
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.