Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.