When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
somebody come look at this