Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Breaking news:
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.