me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me