Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok