“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.