*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.