If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”