me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
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processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full