Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running