Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …