Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
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I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?