she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.