Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
good work, detective