Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
SPLOOT
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
A little too much information.